Open Doors

I finally feel as if I've found a group where my intensity doesn't entirely put off all of the people in it. I get it. I'm quiet. When I speak, I say things that make me vulnerable. I'm angry and passionate. I don't want to be the girl who needs protecting but I clearly display signs of craving protection. I apologize or appear apologetic for everything I say. I'm terrified of people. When somebody says they like me or are glad to have met me or show signs of being interested in what I'm saying, I do not believe them. I want to. But I just can't.

These are personality traits that make it hard to find and keep friends.

So, yeah, I was angry at myself for speaking a little tonight. I felt like I was divulging too much, without the elegance and clarity of words I so strive for. But at the end, I stood out on the front porch and offered a kid a light. I got complimented on my passion, which is something most people just interpret as a lack of humor.

Open Doors is a LGBT discussion group. The activism draws me in like a siren's call. Violence and hatred need to stop. Community, understanding, and open arms need to become the norm. Even though I was scared away last week by a(n entirely innocent) man with an unfortunate name (we're not going into it), I came back, and I'm glad I did.

I walked away feeling, for the first time since I've come to Athens, that I've found a group who might someday be FRIENDS. It's not that I don't like the people in PAGE, the Vegan Cooking Workshop, or Swing Dance, but, well, the people in PAGE are a lot of upperclassmen and I often feel like they all know each other and I'm trying to squeeze into an already well-established group. The Vegan Cooking Workshop... same. And Swing Dance... well. I need people who understand activism as a lifestyle choice to feel comfortable.

Anyway, I'm still a little cloudy-headed from everything my brain's been putting myself through lately. I don't know if I'm in the right state-of-mind to be updating a blog read by my family members and anyone who happens to click the link from FB - usually I try to be more centered and cheerful. But here it is. An establishment. Maybe.

Maybe maybe maybe.